Just Sayin'...

This isn't a post about anything in particular. This is just me writing. You may continue reading if you have nothing else to do with your time, or you can just close the page and wait until something more interesting pops up on here.

Life isn't as fun as I thought it would have been leaving my parents' home. To me it would have been parties, fun fun fun. Boy was I wrong. Totally wrong.

Leaving forced me to grow up. Very quickly. Not that this bothers me. But the stress of the everyday problems and issues that need to be resolved can sometimes take its toll on me. And lately, it has been. And I'm not liking it.

My mom always reproached me of being care-free. Something that I always hated. Yes it was true. But like they say, you always ask for the truth but you are not happy when you hear it. Maybe back then I would have rather have her not say anything to me and just be like "It's your life, you do as you please", but thinking back, that would have most probably been the wrong approach to take on the situation. Especially dealing with a person such as myself.

I'm the type of person that needs to learn things the hard way for me to understand. This is a fact. And it's something that I'll admit to anyone willing to lend me a listening ear or eyes in this case. But at times I would want things to be easy also. Living abroad with hardly anyone of your immediate family around is hard. Harder than I've ever imagined. Thank God for a few people in my life who try their best to make shit easier for me. You know who you are.

I love y'all even though I most probably don't show it enough. But I do.

Lately I've been a bit down. I try to present a happy front to those who I meet up with and those who I talk to. But sometimes the pressure of everything comes crashing down on me and I just can't take it anymore. And I give up trying. And I shouldn't.

I've been told over and over that I have the capabilities to achieve anything I want in life, but it's just that I don't have the proper motivation. And until I find something that will motivate me enough to achieve my goals, I most probably will not. And that shit saddens me. But again, it's the truth.

The truth will set you free. I hope it will. Cause I sometimes feel like I'm in prison. This isn't because of anybody. This is something that I'm doing to myself. At the end of the day I have no one else to blame and point fingers to but myself. I have all reasons to be happy, but I'm not. And I hope that by being honest with myself I can be free of all this pressure.

I sometimes wish that I had the same work ethic like back in primary school. And the same eagerness to learn. The same openmindedness. The same enthousiasm. It seems that as I get older, all of those traits in me seem to fade away. Yet, I'm only 21. Really young. It makes no sense to me.

Will I be able to find back that youthful enthousiasm that took me to where I am today? Will I be able to turn things around and pull myself out from under these dark clouds above my head? Will I ever amount to something? Will I make my parents proud when it's all said and done?

I have too many things running through my head. I most probably am worrying myself over nothing. Maybe everyone goes through these types of periods. Maybe. Nothing is for certain though.

I just gotta keep my head up and continue moving forward. It's the best and only thing I can do. I'm supposed to take advantage of life over here. Not let it beat me down. Maybe I should take advantage.

Yeah. I'll do that.

Sorry for this. I just needed to evacuate. Talking alone in the appartment would not have helped.

I'm out.